1. Before the date arrives, sit on the front steps, sharpening a Klingon bat’leth.
2. Pull him aside and tell him that she has to be back before midnight, or he’s in for a hairy surprise. Then slip a couple of milk bones into his hand for effect.
3. “Which clone are you looking for? Number 1 is upstairs doing her homework. Number 2 is folding the laundry. Number 3…”
4. Ask him if he knows how to use the lirpa or the ah-woon.
5. Tell him how delighted you are that he’s agreed to participate in the clan’s First Date Bloodletting Ritual!
6. When he arrives, hand him a cape and an extra large pair of colored underwear, insisting that he wear these, because the family celebrates National Superhero Day.
7. Advise him not to take her to any restaurant that serves calamari, because it reminds her of her long lost Uncle Cthulu.
8. “While you’re waiting for her to get ready, how about you and I sit in the living room, and listen to some of my filking records?”
9. “Don’t feed any table scraps to the snake-like creature that may pop out of the cross stitch-shaped scar on her stomach.”
10. And finally, set up a mock graveyard on the front lawn, with the names of her former first dates engraved on the tombstones.
